Finding my religion

Friday Feb 27th, 2009. Nikkei: + 2.21%

I had an interesting week reading all the reactions I received on my piece on "Slumdog millionaire." One of them called me an "ash-whole," another came up with "full-idiot." Interesting choice of words, that.

I must confess I had not informed the readers that all comments on this blog are deleted.
Nevertheless, I'm grateful for every opportunity to expand my vocabulary, so please keep writing in.

Speaking of confessions: I have another one. I have this week discovered Catholicism! Here's how this came about.

Every season has it's traditions and this time of the year there is carnival. Or rather: there isn't, as Zürich is not well known for its carnivalesque spirit. The kanton is protestant officially, and apart from one or two private and small-scale initiatives, carnival glides by as unnoticed as a float in the Nullabor desert.

Not so in Luzern, one hour to the south, for example, where the majority is catholic and carnival, or Fasching or Faschnacht, is celebrated in all its glory and people either have or take days off.

It's an interesting phenomenon which, unless you have been brought up with it, I suppose you can never really understand. I mean, I can see the appeal of going out, having fun, drink a bit too much and then sleep with whoever comes your way, but do you really need to plan this in committees for months in advance? And another thing: what's the point in wearing those silly masks? Do you keep them on during the adultery for fear of recognition?

I tried to get to the bottom of it in a discussion with an otherwise lovely German woman with whom I slept for a while even when there was no fancy dress party going on.
"You're someone else for a few days," she said. "That's what it's all about. And because you're someone else, you feel free to do things you wouldn't normally do. At least I wouldn't", she hastened to add in what I hope was an attempt to reassure me.

I got it. Because you put on a silly costume and look like, say, Bart Simpson or a hot dog, you can't be held responsible for your actions, since you obviously must have gone gaga. Makes sense. Or does it....?

It seems to do the trick for many people, as this festival of debauchery is widely scattered around the globe, and even appear to be in some sort of competition with one another. It's all about the most famous (Rio), the most colourful (New Orleans' Mardi Gras), the second most famous (Santa Cruz de Tenerife according to some, Venice according to others) and the most drunken one (Cologne or Dusseldorf, that's still undecided).

I noticed that all these places are predominantly catholic, but my friend claims that it is in fact a feast of pagans, which makes it all the more catholic, I suppose.

Because, having looked at various religions, I have now come to find out that Catholicism is the one that makes life most livable, since they seem to have two standards for almost anything.

Many true followers, for example, do not practice what their pope preaches, and openly declare not to agree with his statements, proclamations and, most of all, his interpretations of what is forbidden in the name of God. However, they almost never criticise the pope directly. Funny, that.

The other thing is the concept of heaven and hell, and even purgatory (a sort of premium-economy in the afterlife, as it were). Although in itself not unique, nor exclusively catholic, they go by the assumption that almost any sin can be forgiven, as long as you realise it and show remorse. This would theoretically allow Hitler, Khomeini, Bin Laden and Bush to still earn a reasonably comfy place in heaven, provided they realise the consequences of each and everyone of their actions. For some of the above mentioned characters, this may take a while for obvious reasons.

In summary, as in most other religions, the bottom line is: don't. But if you must, then confess as soon as possible afterwards. I find this rather practical.

In my next life, I'm going to be a Catholic. Until then, I'll just dress up as one.

Who wants to Boyle a millionaire?

Tuesday, February 10th, 2009 Dow Jones -4.6%
22.36

at my desk at home, with a glass of San Vincenzo

Slumdog millionaire - Jamal in the hot seat


What is it with us? Do we really need to see other people's misery to feel good?
The ghetto-buster "slumdog millionaire" scooped up seven Bafta awards last weekend.

For those who saw "Trainspotting", the film that catapulted director Danny Boyle into publicity, this is one more product that dives into the underbelly of a society and displays all the ingredients one would normally expect to find there in graphic detail.

Not much has changed. Misery, poverty and violence play the major parts while blood, shit and vomit are the all-important props. It's just that this time there's more of all that. Boyle is not just testing the boundaries of good taste anymore, he flattens them with a steamroller.
So why, we wonder, did this film get that many awards? I didn't know there was a category for most revolting filth, or sickening violence.

Is it because the film features
A) beautiful pictures B) a strong message
C) love story D) nothing new

Hum...difficult.
Let's consider a lifeline. Ask the audience, for example.
Given the time since it's release, not that many people have seen it.
I don't know the latest box office figures, but when I went to see it last weekend the cinema was half full. And even so, Baftas are not awarded because the audience has a say in it. There is obviously no relief here.

How about 50/50?
Computer, take away two wrong answers. Leave one remaining wrong answer and the correct one.

C) love story D) nothing new

That makes more sense, but it only confirmed what I suspected. Unless you consider Indian toilets, a cesspit or a rubbish belt very scenic, you'd have to agree there is precious little beauty in any of the scenes.

The message? Well, the story is about a boy who grows up in the slums, and one day becomes a participant in the Indian version of "Who wants to be a millionaire". Because he has a good memory and gets the right questions, he does well and is arrested and tortured by the police under suspicion of cheating. Rags to riches in jeopardy, but it all ends up well in the nick of time.
What is the message here?
Is the Indian police corrupt, protects the rich and does not respect human rights? Hardly surprising.
We are given a look behind the scene of the show and learn that the quiz show host is a nasty piece of work. Well, thank you very much. I'll tell Chris Tarrant you said that.

Phone a friend then. But who?
I have one or two friends who are into this misery - masochism. They go on and on about how I travel to Brazil and not see the "real" country, because I was never robbed in a favela or mugged by a gang of twelve year olds at gunpoint. Funny how I tend to avoid those experiences wherever I can and still enjoy my trips. They shake their heads in disbelief about so much naivety.

I, meanwhile, hang my head in shame and must confess that most of my friends are more into a good meal, a civilised conversation and pleasant company. I know, it's boring and I'm hopeless. So - no "phone a friend".

C) the love story - perhaps?

Jamal, the main character is in love with a girl and he pursues this love with an unequalled determination. The princess and the pauper. It is even more admirable when you realise she does not pursue this love actively and tells him more than once to bugger off because her situation is hopeless. Once though, she breaks away and tries to save him with the final question when it is his turn to phone a friend, but even then she does not know the answer. Basically, one half of the love is therefore utterly useless. On the flip side, she dances nicely in the Michael Jackson-like clip that precedes the closing credits.

Honestly, it can't be the love story.

So what do we have left? Many shots of valiant little beggars who's life, so the film tells us, is screwed up and when one of them has a chance to get out, he is met with suspicion, treachery and threats.
A picture of a police force you would not want to pay any tax for, but did you really think it is that much different over here? I dread to think about it.
A story that is flimsy and full of holes. For example, when Jamal is questioned by the police about him blurting out things, he states he just answers the truth as he knows it when someone asks him a question. In other words, it is suggested he is incapable of lying. This is in stark contrast with the way he cheats tourists who visit the Taj Mahal. And another thing. It would seem highly unlikely that someone who always speaks the truth would survive in the slums, where the law of the strongest rules in all ruthless fashions.

So a flimsy love story, an unlikely dream of rags to riches, and lots of violence and poverty to make us feel rich by comparison, if only for a brief moment.

D) nothing new
Final answer.